In my first pet story, I didn’t properly introduce myself. My name is Slimeball. I am a Pet Detective and your narrator. Unlike most pets, I have no cat master, meaning I can do and go as I please. This seems to make some cats nervous, as so few pets are under their own agency. I am not sure why no cat claimed me as an egg, but the more I learn, the happier I am about it, even if it is lonely sometimes.

I was named Slimeball by the scientist that found my egg. Those evil scientists fed me nothing but slimeballs (yes, the exact same ones that Swish and Loli found in my previous report). Fortunately, I was able to escape the cruelty of the lab, but that is a story for another time.

I found Swish on my hunt for answers to my origins. I was hoping she could help shed some light on some of the strange things that have been happening to me, but her story only gave me more questions.

Until I met Swish, I had no idea the slime was radioactive, making the hatcher’s cruelty seem even more profound. I don’t know why the scientists fed me slime, but I am determined to discover the truth. After learning of the plane crash and government cover-up, I decided my next mission was to trek to the Marshmellow Mountains and try and gain access to that secret slime facility.

Hiding in the mallow fluff, I watched that curious building for days. I observed one royal cat and many pets coming and going from the secure site. After days of reconnaissance, I was ready to make my approach, but I knew I needed to be clever about it. I was only going to get one shot to make a first impression.

The head cat was this fella.

He is called The Cool King, and I followed him one day to a small town near the river. There he entered the $Milk Saloon, and I knew I had the perfect in.

“Hello, Barkeep,” I said loudly enough for my target to hear. “I am looking for work. Do you know of any jobs around these parts for an enterprising pet?”

The bartender looked in The Cool King’s direction, nodded his head, and then looked back at me. “The only job in these parts is bartender, and as you can see, the position is filled,” he was clearly lying. “Oh, alright. Thanks anyway, Fren.” I really laid on the sad eyes before turning to leave the bar.

“Where’s your cat, Pal?” The King asked from behind me. I smiled, knowing I had hooked ‘em.

“Never had a cat,” I replied thoughtfully. “I’m $Milk poor and looking for honest work. You know of any, Ser?”

“I might. Come. Join me,” he said, pointing to the empty chair across from him. “Tell me what skills you have.”

“Well, I am a pretty curious pet. I am hard-working. Discrete. I am pretty flexible, and I am good with my claws.”

“And confident, I see. I like that. What’s your name, Kid?”

“My friends call me, Chuckles.” I lied.

The King grinned and asked, “Why do they call you that?”

“Obviously, ‘cause I look so funny,” I said, displaying my claws and showing him my tail.

“Ha Ha Ha Ha! I like you, Chuckles. You’re funny!” He said with a smile.

I was glad he thought so, even if it was by accident.

“Do you know the Marshmellow Mountains at all? I haven’t seen you around these parts?” The King continued.

“I am starting to. I swam up from Sapphire Town a few days ago but haven’t really settled in yet.” It was the truth, so it came out easy. “Do you have any recommendations?”

“Yeah, go see my Brother. He’s got a house up the road. You’ll probably find him doing nothin’, when he should be doing somethin’. He’s got my Dittos with him, so they will at least be able to take care of you. You can stay with him while you are in town.”

“Thank you, Ser, that’s very generous.” I was well pleased with my progress.

“So, what brought you to the foothills? Are you an explorer?” The King was a curious sort too.

“Well, Ser, it’s not much of a story,” I said as I got more comfortable in my seat. “I feel like I am looking for something, King. I just need a purpose.”

He stared at me, studying silently. Clever tactic.

I could tell he wanted more, so I gave him a little more, “I esca…left Sapphire town and just started walking, and I ended up here.”

“I see. Well, let’s see how you settle in around here. Maybe we can find you something. Welcome, Fren. Alright, now go see my brother.” he dismissed me, “Tell him I’ll be there shortly. ”

“All right, Ser, I will.” and I set off as a good little pet should. As I walked, I thought the King gave off some decent vibes, but I know all too well the cruelty of cats. I remained suspicious.

It didn’t take me long to find the brother’s house. He was standing out front shaking an unlucky stick at five pets that were circling him, taunting him, giggling.

The little elementals seem to relish annoying the cat and were utterly unafraid of the cat’s threats.

“I hope you all lose at poker! I hope you trip on your shoelaces! I hope your life is as tortured as you are making mine!” The cat cursed them.

“Hello.” I interrupted. “The King sent me.”

The mention of his royal highness brought the pets to attention. The pets immediately stopped circling and formed a line.

“The King. The King!” they each said one after the other.

“Hello, a friend of the King. I am Lucky.”

“I’m Spike.”

“Lovely to meet you. I am Fluffy.”

“Yeee, I’m Suds.”

“And I am Grip.”

The brother cat stared unamused at the pet’s display of respect.

“HE’S NOT EVEN A REAL KING!!!!” The brother shouted. His annoyance had peaked.

The reverent pets gasped in dismay.

“Blasphemy!” The first pet replied. The rest agreed behind him. It was clear they had no respect for the brother.

“He just wears that stupid coat and acts like he is better than everybody!” The brother maintained his objections.

“Treason!” the pets shouted.

“We are not our own country. There is no army.” The pets turned their backs, shunning him.

“A thousand apologies, Friend of The King,” Lucky begged my forgiveness.

“Who even is this little water guy?” the brother would not be ignored, “You know nothing about him, and you are already kissing his… lemmings; you’re all a bunch of lemmings.”

“The name’s Chuckles.” I offered before anyone could ask. “I met The King, your brother, at the $Milk bar up the street. He said to come and find you. I am looking for work and a place to stay.”

“Great. I love it when he takes in strays. Well, at least you don’t look as ridiculous as some of you little monsters. I have to give it to my brother; he has a knack for finding good-looking ones.”

I was starting to see why the pets enjoyed tormenting this cat. He was making me feel uneasy. Luckily, I didn’t have to endure him too long. The King approached.

“Your Majesty”, the earth pet bowed.

“My King,” knelt the fires.

“Your Highness,” Air said with a curtsey.

“Your Majesty,” The water pet wiggled in a strange display. It was kinda gross, actually, but it made the king smile.

“I love it when they do that. Never once asked them to,” he said to me, clearly proud of his crew. “Alright, Dittos, you know what to do!” He clapped his hands twice, and the pets hopped off into the house, fizzy and fussing and sudsing about.

It was just myself, and the two cats left standing outside, and I began to feel uncomfortable and outnumbered. I tried to Be Cool.

“I hope my brother has shown you hospitality,” he said with his doubts.

“Yes, Ser,” I replied respectfully but without a bow or a title. “He has been most welcoming.” I lied with a smile. This surprised the brother and the King.

“We’re ready!” A chorus of pets shouted from inside.

“Do you ever miss having a cat?” The King inquired as he ushered me into the house.

“I don’t think I ever had one, Ser. I’ve always been on my own.” Which seemed to make the King contemplate loneliness. “Maybe one day Ser, I will have a cat if I ever find the right one.”

The brother cat rolled his eyes.

“That’s the spirit!” The King said, patting my back.

“Ready!” The crew rejoiced and bounced.

“Welcome to my table, Chuckles.” The King waved his arm, displaying a table full of Thistle Tea, Bubbling Berries and regional delights. There were biscuits and lava cakes and plenty of fizzy water—a genuine display of wealth.

“What a show-off. Not even his house.” the brother mumbled low.

“What was that?” the King asked his brother pointedly. “Need I remind you who provides this house and this feast?”

“No,” The brother surrendered.

It was clear the King was in command. He seemed to have a generous spirit, and the way his pets adored him was encouraging.

The King took his seat, and his pets followed. Then the King pointed me to the one remaining chair. We all watched as the brother cat huffed off, uninvited. Grumbling as he went. The King and the pets seemed relieved by his absence.

“To Two Seven One One!” The King held a chalice in the air.

“To Two Seven One One!” The Dittos replied. I also raised the glass in front of me in compliance. The King drank, they drank, and I drank.

Then the water pet began to tear up, I think. Hard to tell, but the noises it made sounded like sobs. His ducky companion appeared distressed as well.

“Oh, stop it, Suddsy.” The King addressed the blubbering water pet. “Nothin’ to be done about it now. All we can do is continue our work and remember him fondly, the way that he was.“

The blue ditto did as it was told, straightening up and putting on a brave face.

“He isn’t dead if you are wondering.” The King said for my benefit. “He had a little, let’s say, accident. I hated to do it, but I had to let him go. He just wasn’t the same afterwards.”

“Oh,” I said, hoping he would continue, and he did.

“What we do is dangerous work, Chuckles. One wrong move and it can change a pet.” You have to be sharp and obedient to be safe in this job. But you said you are looking for work, looking for a purpose. Well, I got a job that can give you purpose. I can’t pay much, but I can provide room and board, plus a little weekly $Milk.

Jackpot! I was in.

“Thank you, Ser. You are most kind. I accept!” My eagerness pleased the King.

“We start early in the morning, so eat and drink up,” he commanded. The dittos began eating at speed, devouring the food they had prepared. The King picked at his plate, watching the enjoyment of his subjects. I ate at the speed of the king. I wasn’t ready to bow down just yet.

“Can you tell me more about the job? I like to be prepared.” I wanted whatever intel I could get.

“We can’t really talk about it here,” he said, looking through the doorway. “Don’t worry, Chuckles. We’ll prepare you. Just follow the dittos in the morning. They will show you where to go.” The king stood, and all the Dittos stopped eating and took to their feet. I thought it rude not to follow their lead.

“Brother!” The King shouted through the house, “Brother! This pet is staying here tonight. They work for me now. Do you understand?”

“Yes, your highness,” the Brother cat replied sarcastically. It did not comfort me to be left with this cat.

“Stick with the Dittos, Kid.” The King reassured me, ”They will look after you. Right guys?” He looked across the table.

“Of course, your majesty.” They replied earnestly, and with that, the King took his leave.

Upon the King’s exit, the Dittos returned to their ravenous ways until all items had been consumed from the table. They were efficient in every manner, almost choreographed, working as a team to tidy up after the feast and make beds ready. Indeed, it was impressive.

As we all settled in for the evening, I finally felt my moment to ask. “So, what happened to Two Seven One One? What kind of work are we really doing?”

The Fire pet answered first, “Two Seven One One got sloppy and slipped in the slime.”

I pretended not to know what he was talking about. “Slime? Is it dangerous?”

“It changes a pet, makes them ugly and serious. Pets who have touched the slime are never the same afterwards.”

The air pet could see the look of fright on my face, “Don’t worry, Chuckles,” they reassured me. “Just stick with us and do as you are told, and you’ll be fine. Now, shhh, we need our sleep. The King will expect us first thing!” Within minutes they were all obediently sleeping. But I could not enjoy the peace. I was worried, worried about how the slime must have changed me. My pondering was only interrupted by the voice of Brother Cat muttering in the night.

I snuck out of my shared quarters and went to investigate. In the darkness, I observed the brother having a conversation, but I could neither see nor hear any other participant.

“I can’t even get inside. He won’t let me.” The cat said seemingly to no one.

He paced the room as he spoke.

“The last pet got trunked. You saw the photos… Look, it didn’t work… I tried… No! He has too firm a grip on his team. They can’t be influenced, although he did bring on a new little critter today… maybe it could, yeah, but I don’t know… I don’t trust it…something not quite right about it.”

I assumed I was the ‘critter’ he was speaking of and knew I wouldn’t be safe staying in that house very long, but still, I wanted a look inside that facility, so I backed away quietly and returned to my bed. I have rarely known a more sleepless night.

The dittos were up before dawn with boundless energy that made me hate them. I sluggishly tried to keep up as we climbed the marshmallow mountains. I recognized our route. We were headed to the containment facility. I could feel my anxiety growing on approach.

The King was standing outside waiting to greet us. “My Darlings!” He welcomed us.

“Alright, some day-one instruction for Chuckles.” The King proclaimed.

“Our job is to keep the slime from spreading. It is a vile substance and seems to expand on its own. Its properties are strange and often unpredictable, so never get too close. Best practices are to keep a glass shield on you at all times while in the facility.”

“Glass?” I asked as we entered the building.

“Glass.” The King repeated, “It seems to repel the slime. We aren’t sure why.”

In fact, the whole facility was made of thick glass: the floors, the ceiling, the desks, the chairs, everything glass. And every cat and pet carried a glass shield on their arm. In the center of the space, the staff seemed to be corraling a gently rotating fluid mass of green slime. I found the giant blob strangely calming.

“Okay, Chuckles, here is the info. We have been hired to contain and entertain this slime.”

“Entertain?” I asked, confused.

“Yes, the slime is moody, if you will. We have found that singing, dancing, and general fun behaviour keep it ‘calm’.” The King pointed to a meter encased in glass. “This is how we check the vibes, and we do vibe checks every hour. If the vibes fall too low, the slime will become volatile and expand. Our job is to try and be so entertaining we can get it to shrink back to a manageable and containable size.”

The dittos all dutifully donned their shields and went towards the blob unafraid. They began to sing, dance, bounce and twirl, and indeed the giant blob contracted ever so slightly.

“We have made good progress these last few months and got it down 7 inches in diameter just last week.” The King handed me a shield. “Alright, Pal, let’s see what you got? Go wave your little claws and shake your silly tail. Let’s see if it likes you.” He grinned. “Shield up!” He advised as I cautiously approached the matter.

I wasn’t scared. Or at least I don’t think I was feeling fear. No, it was more a feeling of uncertainty. I stood a few steps behind the silly dittos and tried to participate in their display. I was awkward and ill-practised. I wish I had known I would have to dance. I did a little spin, trying to imitate the other pets, but I slipped on Sud’s bubbles, causing me to fall and my shield to smash and crash against the floor.

The commotion seemed to steal the slime's attention, and it expanded in my direction. The dittos shielded themselves and ran towards the outer perimeter of the facility. The vibes were off, and sirens were sounding.

I tried to get up, but the Slime approached me at speed. I closed my covered my face with claws but felt no impact. I heard gasps and then silence.

I opened my eyes, and the slime was there, held inches from my claws. As I lowered my arms, the slime, too, lowered.

The King and his subject watched in awe. The sirens soon stopped, and the vibe meter began to relax.

I could stand, and the slime followed me like a shadow. It never touched me but mirrored my movements.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” said the king in astonishment. “Try something else, Chuckles. Let's see what you can do!” His encouragement felt nice, and I had a strange desire to obey him, so I circled the blob playfully, miming that I was packing it into a suitcase, and would you believe it, the slime complied. This amused everyone and caused a good laugh from the observing cats and pets. The laughter boosted the vibes, and the slime seemed to relish the attention.

“What a ham!” I said, and to my delight, the slime took that form

Which caused another wave of laughter.

I could feel the slime’s glee.

“Hey Chuckles, see if you can get it in the basket.” the King said as he shot a paper ball towards a glass bin.

What fun! I pretended to dribble the ham-shaped slime, squeezed and compacted itself into a basket size slimeball. The crowd cheered. I jumped, I shot, and my new green fren went sailing through the air in a perfect arc to the basket. The facility erupted in cheers!

The cheers grew even louder when the King pounced, equipped with a glass shield, which he used to entrap the green ball in the bin. The fire ditto ran in fast, flames first. Its fire melted the glass and sealed the goo within. I could feel the slime’s fear grow in my gut. I was horrified as they cheered my name and sang their King’s praises.

I felt like I had betrayed the ball. How could I have been so naive?

“Chuckles! That was AMAZING! How did you do that?” The King was proud, but I felt so ashamed.

“I have no idea, Ser. I am not sure what just happened.” I was in shock.

“You are a hero! I know some people that will really want to meet you.”

The slime rattled in its prison. Something told me that these were not people I wanted to meet.

“What happens now to this thing?”

“We wait for backup. They will probably destroy it probably, but it doesn’t matter. Our job here is done. You just got us a very nice payday.” He patted me on the back, “I’ve never seen anything like it.” but praise only made me feel more like a monster; I had to do something.

“So you are just going to turn it over to cat forces then?” Maybe I could talk the King out of it.

“Heeeey, I never said anything about cat forces. How did you know that? Who are you?”

His suspicions of me caused vibes to plummet again and the sirens to alarm. I used the distraction to my advantage. I pushed the King out of my way and dove at the slime jar claws first. It shattered, freeing the angry slime, and it expanded rapidly. I stood and raised my hand.

The slime formed a lasso swirling around me which backed away my opponents in fear. This is how I clear my way to the door.

Before I left, the King said from the floor, “Chuckles! That is so fucking cool! You must join my crew.”

“The name is Slimeball, Ser,” I took a giant breath in and inhaled the entirety of the green matter to the shock of witnesses, “and I’m sorry, but I’m a free pet!” Then ran as quickly as I could out of the facility.

Once outside, I wasn’t sure what to do. I wished I had a car, and to my surprise, my body changed form to what I desired.

I raced down the mountain and headed straight for the sea, but something in my gut tells me that won’t be the last I’ll hear from the Cool King or his creepy brother.

THE END

Many Thanks to Cool Clown Luke for letting me and Slimeball have some fun with their Cool Cat characters.

Water pet Two Seven One One is currently looking for a safe wallet after slipping in the slime.